From People-Pleasing to Sovereignty: A Guide to Setting Compassionate Boundaries
The Journey from People-Pleasing to Compassionate Boundaries
Have you ever felt the pull to say “no” but heard yourself say “yes” instead?
Are you familiar with that subtle moment of override - the moment where we ignore our inner voice and abandon ourselves to keep the peace or make others feel comfortable.
As a recovering people pleaser, I spent years overruling my needs, desires, energy and capacity - in service of ensuring that the needs, desires and capacity of those around me were honoured and met.
On the surface, it may seem inoffensive, but it often left me feeling exhausted, unseen, unsupported, and over time, resentful.
Each moment where I consciously or unconsciously chose to please others eroded my own self-trust (the knowing that I have my own back) - and anchored more deeply a belief that abandoning myself was preferable to being abandoned by others (because they may perceive me as unkind or undeserving of love, appreciation and belonging).
Perhaps you can relate?
What I learned through my personal growth journey is that people-pleasing isn’t a flaw or weakness.
For many women, it’s a deeply ingrained response, tied to a desire to belong, to be valued, and to be “enough.” - which can make setting boundaries really challenging.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean rejecting these connections or caring any less.
Compassionate boundaries are about holding what we love most - including (and starting with) ourselves - with respect and care.
So let’s explore why people-pleasing tends to be a survival strategy, why boundaries can challenge our nervous systems (and a simple practice to support you), and how to embrace boundary-setting as a powerful devotion to ourselves and our wellbeing.
People-Pleasing as a Wise Response: Understanding the Roots in Our Nervous System
People-pleasing isn’t simply a sign of weakness; it’s a wise response that our bodies have learned over time.
When we feel that we need to be agreeable, kind and easygoing to be accepted and valued, our nervous system may be defaulting to this pattern to keep us safe.
You might have heard this referred to as the fawn response.
According to Dr. Ariel Schwartz, the fawn response consists of ways of being that have us please and appease in order to diffuse danger. It’s a sophisticated stress response that is common in women, and taps into our social engagement system.
For many women who have been raised or conditioned to be a ‘good girl’, the body learns that connection is safer when we keep the peace and make everyone comfortable. A link is created between people pleasing and our sense of safety and belonging - and people pleasing becomes almost instinctual.
When we set boundaries, our goal isn’t to remove this instinct but to create space within ourselves for a more nuanced response that honours both, our love for others and our devotion to ourselves.
Why Boundaries Can Feel Challenging: Navigating the Nervous System’s Fear of Losing Belonging
Cognitively, we know that setting boundaries is key to help us thrive, but in practice, it can feel really unsafe to our nervous system, because when we assert boundaries, it might feel as though we’re threatening our sense of belonging.
The tension between our need to express ourselves truthfully and our need for connection is real, and it’s valid.
Boundaries can make us feel vulnerable, but they can also give us an opportunity to align with our inner voice and our inner authority - without compromising our relationships.
By redefining what boundaries mean to us, we can create a path that feels safer and more nourishing to our nervous system, to help us embrace boundaries as a natural, caring part of life.
Reframing Boundaries as Loving Containment, Not Walls
Boundaries are often misunderstood as rigid fences or hard lines meant to keep others at a distance. But compassionate boundaries are more like a gentle container, holding what we most love and care about with respect and intention.
They don’t have to feel like a rejection or an electric fence. Instead, they’re about holding space for ourselves with the same care we extend to others.
In the beautiful words of Jaiya John:
“Your boundary need not be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it.
It can be a consistent light around you that announces:
“I will be treated sacredly.” ”
Consider this: every time we say “yes” to something misaligned, we’re inadvertently saying “no” to something we value—whether it’s our time, energy, or peace of mind.
Compassionate boundaries invite us to reflect on these choices, asking what we might protect and nurture by saying “no” to the things that stretch us too thin.
When we set boundaries from a place of loving containment, we allow room for both the connection we desire and the protection we deserve. We can honour our relationships without sacrificing ourselves in the process.
Boundaries as a Devotion to Self, Not an Expectation of Others
Compassionate boundaries aren’t about controlling others’ actions; they’re about showing up for ourselves with devotion and respect. When we see boundaries as a commitment to our own well-being rather than a request for others to change, they feel less like rules and more like a sacred vow to ourselves.
This means that we can set boundaries without needing permission from anyone.
Boundaries become an act of self-devotion, a way to honour our own needs while releasing the pressure to “fix” or adjust others’ behaviour.
Each boundary reinforces our self-trust, and reaffirms that we are committed to protecting our energy, time, and peace.
Somatic Boundary-Setting Practice: Honouring Your Inner ‘No’
Here is a somatic boundary-setting practice that you might like to explore.
It will guide you into connecting with your body’s wisdom, honouring the “no” that lives within you, and experiencing the loving containment of a compassionate boundary.
Reconnect with a Moment of Self-Override:
Begin by closing your eyes and bringing to mind a recent moment when you wanted to say “no” but found yourself saying “yes” instead. Take a few gentle, grounding breaths, inviting the body to settle and soften as you hold this memory with compassion.Notice the Sensation of Self-Dishonoring:
As you recall this moment, notice any sensations in your body that feel tense, heavy, or tender. These physical responses are gentle messages from the part of you who was longing for protection. Place a hand on this area, acknowledging the part of you who wanted to say “no” and honouring its wisdom.Connect with the Part of You That Wanted to Say ‘No’:
Gently tune into the part of you who wanted to set a boundary in that moment. Allow yourself to notice any sensations, emotions, or thoughts that arise as you hold space for this inner “no.” Breathe into this awareness, feeling where this “no” resides in your body.Hand on Heart: Honoring What This ‘No’ Would Have Protected
Now, place one hand on your heart and connect with the deeper intention behind that “no.” Reflect on what it would have protected—perhaps your energy, peace, or sense of self. Feel the warmth of your hand as it rests on your heart, reminding you that this “no” is a form of love and self-devotion.Practice Saying ‘No’ Out Loud
From this grounded, self-honoring place, practice saying “no” out loud. Let it be gentle yet strong, carrying the energy of care and respect (you might like to experiment with different flavours of “no” and notice how they feel in your body).
Feel the weight and warmth of this “no” as a powerful act of self-devotion, a reminder that honouring yourself is also an act of love. If it feels right, with one hand still on your heart, you might want to make a movement or gesture with your other hand to express this “no”.Close with Reflection
Take a few breaths to close, holding the experience of this boundary within. Know that each time you honor this inner “no,” you’re strengthening your connection to your sovereignty and creating space for the life you truly desire.
Creating a Life of Deliberate Choices: Protecting Our Energy as Sovereign Women
Where we place our awareness, time, and energy shapes the lives we create.
Boundaries are a powerful tool to help us protect what we value the most, and to ensure that our energy is directed toward what truly matters.
It isn’t about withdrawing from life but about showing up with intention, aligned with our true desires.
Boundaries are an invitation to live as sovereign women. Each time we set and honour our own boundaries, we are committing to the life we want to create.
They allow us to experience the fullness of life - nurturing relationships, meaningful work, and genuine joy.
Embracing Boundaries as an Act of Self-Respect and Sovereignty
As you explore the practice of setting compassionate boundaries, remember that this journey is about more than just saying “no.” It’s about cultivating a life that is meaningful to you, and embracing both your deep care for others and a sense of devotion to yourself.
Boundaries help us create space for our own growth, joy, and fulfillment and give others permission to do the same.
Imagine a beautiful garden that you enjoy tending to - a garden you would cultivate tenderly, which is protected by a fence. Notice the fences lovingly containing your garden, just as boundaries compassionately hold your life.
If you would like to dive deeper into this work, consider exploring how somatic coaching could support you in overcoming people pleasing and creating the life you most desire. If you would like to explore how I could support you, simply get in touch here.
