The Fear of Being Seen: How to Embrace Our Brilliance, and Take Up Space In A Way That Feels Safe
The Quiet Fear of Visibility
In my personal journey and through coaching many women, one of the most insidious and common fears I see is this: the fear of being seen and of taking up the space we truly desire.
It’s a subtle, persistent voice inside of us that says, “It’s safer to remain unnoticed and to not take up too much space.” urging us to shrink and to stay small, to protect ourselves from judgment or criticism.
For many of us, it quietly lingers in the background of our lives, yet it powerfully shapes the way we show up in every area of our life.
Perhaps it’s something you too, are familiar with?
So many of us feel the push and pull between wanting to step into our brilliance AND resisting being fully seen.
Although we might want to pursue bigger dreams, step forward in life or in leadership, it feels safer to stay hidden, quiet, invisible and unnoticed - even if deep down we are craving more: more impact, more agency, the desire to create meaningful change in our lives, communities or society.
So let’s explore where this fear of being seen comes from and how we can begin to feel safer, more grounded, and empowered in our visibility by taking small, gentle steps to reclaim the space we desire to take.
Understanding the Fear of Being Seen
The fear of being seen goes beyond ‘public exposure’ (actually being seen by a few or by many) - it’s about vulnerability.
It’s the worry that if we show up fully as ourselves - brilliant AND imperfect - we will experience judgment, rejection, or misunderstanding.
It’s a fear that is deeply rooted in our societal conditioning and personal experiences, where we may have internalised a belief that it’s safer to stay small or to fit in a certain mould than to truly be who we are.
This fear is valid, and for many of us, it has developed through our lived experiences.
Perhaps we’ve been criticised for expressing ourselves fully, or doing something ‘wrong’, dismissed when we’ve tried to speak up, or mocked for simply being who we are. And although looking back, these moments may appear to be insignificant, our younger selves may have interpreted them as a threat.
Incredibly wisely, to avoid us having to experience these threats again, we unconsciously created a protective instinct that prevents us from putting ourselves “out there” again.
Staying small keeps us from the risk of being judged, criticised, dismissed, abandoned, or rejected.
So we learn to live our life by this motto:
Small = Safe.
It’s a powerful adaptive strategy that is incredibly helpful in supporting us to feel safer in the world.
But it often leaves an unfulfilled yearning inside us - a call to share more of who we truly are.
We get caught in a double bind, an inner conflict between wanting to be seen on the one hand, and fearing what might happen if we are, on the other hand - which keeps us stuck.
How the Fear Of Visibility And Being Seen Manifests in Our Everyday Lives
We might not always recognise how often we hold ourselves back.
It can show up in small, everyday moments - like downplaying our achievements, hesitating to speak up in meetings or family gatherings, saying no to opportunities that ask us to step forward, shining the spotlight on our team and staying in their shadow, letting the work ‘speak for itself’ and waiting to be ‘discovered’.
Physically, we might feel the fear in our bodies, too - perhaps a racing heart when we are about to speak up or a contraction in our abdomen when we are offered an opportunity to be more visible.
These physical responses are our body’s way of protecting us and keeping us from experiencing perceived emotional threats - even if deep down, there is a part of us who longs to embrace the fullness of who we are, our brilliance, our voice, and the meaningful impact we know we can make.
Reframing Visibility as Safe and Empowering
What if we could reframe visibility and move away from the belief that safe = small?
What if we could learn to be seen without feeling unsafe?
One of the most important steps in doing this is learning to cultivate a sense of safety within ourselves, regardless of what may be happening on the outside.
And this starts in our nervous system.
If visibility feels like a threat, and our nervous system is wired to keep us safe and protected - being seen will feel like a risk it will not be willing to take.
We need to nurture our nervous system for visibility.
When we are able to cultivate a sense of inner safety in our nervous system, it brings us back to a state of calm, where we feel more resourced, more grounded, and better able to step forward. From this place, visibility isn’t about exposure—it’s about self-expression.
As we build this sense of inner safety, visibility starts to feel less like a danger and more like an invitation to share who we truly are, our views and opinions.
Here are some ways we can begin to nurture our nervous system, so visibility feels safer and more empowering:
Grounding and breathing practices: Intentional breathing and grounding exercises can help us downregulate and remind our body that we are safe. During a stressful moment, we can take a few deeper breaths focusing on lengthening and softening the exhale. We can also ground ourselves by feeling all the touch points where our feet meet the ground. These simple practices can settle our nervous system and reconnect us with the present moment.
Rooting in self-compassion: Rather than trying to silence the part of us who is fearful, uncomfortable, perhaps even frozen - we turn towards her offering kind and reassuring words, just as we would to a small child in the same situation. In embracing this tender part of ourselves, we bring her along the way, creating a place of safety where her fears can gently dissipate.
Reframing visibility: Try bringing yourself back to a moment in time where you felt resilient, brilliant, empowered - notice in detail how that felt in your body. Linger here for a few moments, taking this imprint in. How did that feel? You might notice that being seen felt more like an act of self-expression. You, sharing what you know from the heart, rather than performing for anyone.
Practical Tools to Gently Embrace Our Brilliance And Be Seen
The best way to embrace being seen and taking up space is to start small, to ease into it in ways that feel aligned and gentle - so that we do so from a place of inner safety (without our nervous system ‘pulling us back’).
Here are a few ways to do so:
Practicing in safe spaces: We start by sharing our thoughts in a close-knit group or speaking authentically or vulnerably in a trusted conversation. We share in a safe space. Then we begin to calibrate to places with slightly higher stakes. What’s important is that we work at the pace of our nervous system, so that we share from a place of inner safety.
Listening to our bodies: Our body holds wisdom and insight, and it’s always sending us signals. When we notice tightness or anxiety creeping in, we can take that as a cue to pause, breathe, and remind ourselves that we’re safe. Anchoring in safety time and time again to rewire visibility as safe.
Feeling held by inner and outer resources: Everything we do becomes easier when we feel held and resourced. If we are taking a step outside of our comfort zone, let’s feel as comfortable as possible in our discomfort. Wearing clothes that are soft on the skin and help us feel empowered, making sure we have a glass of water at hand, protecting our energy in the lead up to this moment, taking a few breaths to ground ourselves - all of which can all go a long way. What would best resource you in these moments?
The Path to Being Confidently Seen Starts With Us
I want to share one more, vital piece.
The journey to being seen begins with us.
It needs to start by truly seeing ourselves - our gifts, our brilliance, our worth.
When we are profoundly rooted in our own worthiness, and deeply trusting of our own voice, we no longer need to rely on others to validate our enoughness.
This somatic approach to being seen and taking space doesn’t demand that we ‘silence our inner voice’ or ‘shutdown our fear’ - on the contrary it is a gentle and gradual approach, rooted in self-compassion and self-acceptance.
We don’t have to force ourselves into the spotlight. Instead, we can gently expand our capacity, choosing how we want to be seen in ways that feel aligned with our deepest selves.
The Somatic Self-Doubt Remedy is a great free resource to explore this further. This powerful 4 part mini-audio training will take you on a somatic journey from staying small, quiet, and invisible to taking up more space and embodying self-confidence.
