Breaking Free from Overgiving: Including Ourselves in Our Circle of Care
Others Matter, But You Do Too
Do you tend to be the last person on your list of priorities?
Do you consistently put others’ needs above your own, sometimes at the expense of your wellbeing?
This way of being is so deeply ingrained in many of us that we have stopped noticing it, let alone, questioning it.
Often, we tell ourselves, “I will get to me when everything else is done” or “It’s easier if I just handle this myself” or “I’ll make time to look after myself later.”
But later rarely comes, and each one of these small moments where we give beyond our capacity is an act of self-abandonment. It erodes our energy, our joy, and ultimately our sense of self.
Overgiving is something I’m very familiar with - so are many of the women I support.
For so many of us, this self-sacrificing narrative feels normal, because, as women, our culture praises us for how much we give, how much we do, and how little we ask for in return.
We need reminding of this fundamental truth: others matter, but we do too.
Including ourselves in our circle of care isn’t selfish or self-indulgent - it’s a revolutionary act of self-leadership. It’s the foundation upon which everything in our life can thrive.
When we reclaim our place in that circle, we unlock the capacity to care deeply without abandoning ourselves.
Why Do We Exclude Ourselves from Our Circle Of Care?
Often, a tender, unconscious belief lies at the heart of overgiving: a sense that others deserve care, but we don’t or others matter more than we do.
This isn’t a new belief - it has been passed down through generations of cultural conditioning, patriarchal narratives, and the expectations of a society that tells us that our worth is tied to how much we sacrifice for others.
We learn to equate being a “good girl” with being endlessly available, accommodating, and selfless.
This narrative has deep roots, and it’s reinforced every time we are praised for putting ourselves last.
Over time, we internalise the idea that our needs are optional.
And unless we consciously make different choices, the narrative continues to be passed down through our lineage.
Women’s Nervous System and Overgiving
As women, our nervous systems are uniquely attuned to connection, care, and harmony. It is part of our biology - rooted in what’s called the social nervous system, which is deeply linked to our sense of safety.
For many of us, maintaining connection feels like survival.
This is why we default to overgiving and caretaking when we sense tension, conflict, or disconnection.
Our nervous system nudges us to “fix” the situation, even if it means overriding our exhaustion or need for rest. When we sense that someone we care about needs support, we feel an irresistible pull towards offering help.
Over time, it becomes our baseline: giving too much feels familiar, and pausing for ourselves feels uncomfortable or even dangerous, particularly if it has been the ‘default dynamic’ we have operated in in our relationships, workplace or family.
But there is hope: just because it is our wiring doesn’t mean it is our destiny.
With intention, we can bring more sovereignty back online.
We can learn to notice when we are slipping into overgiving patterns and consciously choose to include ourselves in the care we so compassionately and naturally give to others.
The Cost of Overgiving
Unsurprisingly, the cost of living in this cycle of overgiving runs deep. If often includes :
Emotional exhaustion: Overgiving starts with the most heartfelt intentions but when we consistently prioritise everyone else’s needs over our own, we begin to feel that the energetic exchange in our life is out of balance. We feel resentment, guilt, or frustration, often toward the very people we care about.
Disconnection from ourselves: By focusing entirely on others, we lose touch with our own desires, boundaries, and needs. Ironically, we neglect the person who needs our care the most: ourselves.
The paradox of care: The heartbreaking paradox is that the more we overgive, the less capacity we have to show up for others in the way we truly want to, with presence, patience, grounding and clarity. True care requires that we include ourselves in the circle.
Physical pain and burnout: Chronic stress, burnout, fatigue, brain fog, and even illness. The body sends us increasingly loud warning signs (tight shoulders, aching backs, insomnia, digestive issues) in a desperate attempt to beg for the care it yearns for.
But overgiving isn’t just about feeling tired, it’s about losing ourselves.
And that’s a high price to pay.
Lessons from Thriving Ecosystems
Does Our Ecosystem Allow Us To Flourish?
Think about an ecosystem: trees, plants, animals, soil and microbes all thrive because of interdependence.
Each part of the system gives and receives in balance, which supports the health of the whole. There is a fine balance of natural reciprocity.
No part of the system is expected to give endlessly without being replenished.
In the same way, we are meant to thrive within systems of care that nourish us, too.
Now, imagine your life as an ecosystem, a delicate web of connections: people, places and commitments that surround you.
Are these relationships and exchanges balanced and nourishing? Are you truly included in the ecosystem, or have you become the unseen caretaker - always giving, always tending, but rarely being replenished?
What would need to happen for the ecosystem to be more vibrant, and flourishing for all parts?
Rooting Our Care For Others In Care For Ourselves
Most of us live within systems that may not naturally offer this nourishment - which means that choosing to intentionally include ourselves in our circle of care is vital, and ultimately the path to rebalance the ecosystem and reclaim our sovereignty.
It starts in small ways - by compassionately attuning to our body and reminding ourselves that our needs are just as valid as anyone else’s.
By connecting with the part of us who tends to the needs of those around us, and inviting her to extend the same kindness and devotion to ourselves.
By making time for rest, play, and the things that bring us joy intentionally - scheduling protected time for ourselves in our diary.
This might feel unfamiliar to start with, but here is a liberating truth: choosing ourselves doesn’t come at the expense of others. On the contrary, it creates the capacity to show up for those we care about sustainably.
It helps us ensure that our care for others is rooted in care for ourselves.
A Simple Somatic Practice to Start Including Yourself in Your Circle of Care
Here is a simple practice to gently begin to reconnect with a sense of care for ourselves.
A Soothing Stroke
Scan your body gently and slowly, starting from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. Imagine that your awareness is a compassionate, soothing stroke as it brushes softly over each part of your body.
Notice areas of tension or discomfort, and with every exhale, direct your outbreath towards those areas imagining it to be a soothing balm.
Take a moment to offer these parts of you care by asking: “What do you need right now?”
Allow your body to guide you and where possible, give yourself the care it longs for.
Breaking The Cycle For Ourselves And Beyond
Breaking free from overgiving doesn’t mean withdrawing our care from others, but including ourselves in the care we generously offer outwardly.
Taking a leaf from the wisdom of nature, we can imagine ourselves as a vital part of our own life’s ecosystem - a system that thrives only when every part, including us, is nourished and supported.
Every time we shift from overgiving to selfcare, we establish a little more balance, and we contribute to reversing the narratives women have unconsciously learned to live by, one small action at a time.
If this article resonated with you, and you would like to explore how somatic coaching and practices can support you to include yourself in your circle and care and experience more self-sovereignty, simply get in touch here and we will make time to discuss you, your needs, desires and dreams.
